Am I good enough?
Am I beautiful enough?
Am I smart enough?
Skinny enough? Funny enough?
Enough is enough.
Being enough is something has absolutely plagued me most of my life. I am finding as I meet people, hear their stories & hopefully let some walls down enough to get to know them and them to get to me, I am finding that this is a constant and consistent trend with all of them no matter what their story is, where they come from.
We are all plagued with the fear that we aren't enough. That who we are, what we do, what we have to offer, what we look like... all of in total or parts of the sum just won't cut it.
I've seen it be the convoluted issues and obsessions of high school students as they are pursuing success in academia or the addiction of college graduates as they are fervently applying for jobs and figuring out what they want to accomplish. Even myself as a little girl, despite how wonderful my parents were and continue to be, I vividly remember never feeling like I could be enough or do enough. I could have all A's and one B and the B was the focus of my sight. I would focus on how I was over weight or how I didn't play sports. I would focus on my flaws and my imperfections and how I would continue to fall short of the expectations of any and everyone that surrounded me.
Now as I am writing this, I am a 28 year old female and I still to this date am absolutely daunted by the thoughts & fears of not being enough. Sure it's in different capacities and wears many various masks than it did as a mere child but the toleration of the nagging voice telling me in my psyche that I am not enough has not grown any easier. If anything it's probably more difficult due to the decreasing levels of joy that tend to be present when you enter adulthood. I wish I could just simply be joyful as I was when I was a child. That innocence and presence of acceptance of the beauty and joy around the world is breath taking and a character to be admired. It's astonishing how difficult it is to allow that to reside in us and around us as adults.
As I sit here at type on New Years Day of 2015, I find it very cliché. How typical of one to be sitting here blogging about the woes of womanhood & the chastising chase of fulfillment and validation of being enough. 28 years of grasping for anything to make me feel good and feel like what I have to offer is good... it's truly absurd. I am so sick and tired of yearning for others to let me know I am good enough. I am exhausted from the chase for the atta-boy and the accolade. If my teacher told me I was good, I was good. My boss. A boy. A scale. A pay check. A bank account. A mirror. A friend. An award. My pastor. My mentor. My family. I keep looking and looking for those words for someone to gaze deep into my eyes and into my soul and just let me know that who I am and the deepest and most intimate parts of my soul are enough. You know, those parts that people tend to not want to look at, and most certainly would not be classified as things of beauty, those things that are ugly, and raw, and scarred and scratched and mauled and mangled and raped and withered and depressed and stressed and distraught... I want that to be enough because in me, and in all of us should I so boldly proclaim, that is what's there.
What a object of pessimism to focus on just that right? Let me finish, that is not ALL that's there. Of course, also, inside there is love, beauty, brilliance, success, joy, love, health, restoration, peace, creativity, virtue, and the tendencies of benevolence and good will.
These do not make up for the bad nor does the bad eradicate the good but together in a whole are me. They are my story. Some things my fault from poor decisions and poor discretion and moments of weakness inward focused on lack and pain. Lack of boundaries or self respect for who I am and what I wanted to be lead to blurred lines, gray confusion and dark areas that now tend to be gaping wounds. Others are merely just things that I stumbled upon; things that just seem to come to be a part of my journey.
I am learning through my mistakes and through choices that I thought were good and right that may have proved to be otherwise that life is beautiful. I am also learning that I can be really selfish, inwardly focused and idiotic. I am also learned that I can be generous and giving and can breath life into others.
I am not perfect. I never will be but dang it, I am enough. I am sick of the endless chase of the fleeting gratification of someone or something telling me I'm enough. I am sick of wondering if someone will or wont accept me because of some flaw or transgression that may be a part of my journey. I am enough. I am imperfectly enough because I am a child of God.
He loves me. He created me. He made me. He knows everything about me and still pursues me even when I am running as hard as I can in the opposite direction towards things that I know aren't in my best interest. He patiently waits. He pursues me some more. He loves and loves. He loves me when I don't deserve it. He is faithful when I am not.
I am imperfectly enough. This year is about restoration and healing in my heart. It's about knowing that no matter my journey or what I face or what man comes in to my life or what task is before me that I am enough. I am enough if I accidently oversleep for work. I am enough if I gain 5 pound or 60 pounds. I am enough if I go down 3 pant sizes. I am enough as a single 28 year old. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am His therefore I am enough. As I am alive, as I breathe, I am enough. Sometimes you have to keep saying it to yourself over and over so you will eventually believe it.
Cheers to a year of pursuing Christ and the knowledge that I am enough. Imperfectly enough.
